Unmarked Capsules

UNMARKED CAPSULES

(assorted contents which provoke a delayed reaction)

by Chris Dungan

A New Exciting Genre, In Time For Fall?

3/20/08—This first day of spring I heard what’s going to be outsourced next: you, as the story went.

Seems the new trend in cutting medical costs—and organs--is to fly patients and their families overseas for expensive surgeries. This should provide enough storylines for St. Elsewhere to come back for at least one more season—not to mention everything that’s happened since in the characters’ lives and the world of health care, and—with regard to the new care—airport security.

(Knowing the importance of puns to the cerebral cortex, I wouldn’t be surprised if the idea for outsourcing surgeries was inspired by brainstorming the variant Sent Elsewhere.)

Can it be any worse than what’s on now? (I’m asking, I don’t know what’s on now—I just remember from taking warm evening walks by open doors that Millionaire was on multiple times a week—the millionaire of years ago, before recent inflationary acts like borrowing tax rebate money from China and reducing interest rates multiple times a week.)

Heck, no one even used the web back in Elsewhere’s day—talk about story lines. Not to mention such other tense medical dramas as Marcus Welby, Medical Center, Dr. Kildare, Emergency!, or whenever Harvey or Tim donned a smock on Carol Burnett. Too bad MASH is forever stuck in the 1950s—that’ll teach networks to make a historical series again.

But beware on a societal level: such revivals might strain our infrastructure, or spark incentive for an email tax. If Robert Young was getting 5,000 letters a week asking for medical advice when our population was smaller and health care prices didn’t have to reflect so much litigation, how much free and easy email along those lines might clog the system today? Of course, having Adam Arkin and Mandy Patinkin croon instant diagnoses from emails gives new meaning to reality TV—how many members of the board of medicine would Simon Cowell let sit with him?

Wearing a mask on a plane. Surgical teams running through security with scalpels to greet delayed flights. Standing-room-only carriers. Surgeons moving to India or Ireland. Heck, any irreverent sitcom set in India or Ireland—let the industry stop trying to relate to us, and set dark ironic stories somewhere else for a change—unless they’re afraid they can’t keep their hands off taboo stereotypes.

Those are actual countries I recall hearing in the story—but if George Dubya-Dubai Bush were into health reform, he’d probably award it to the Saudis. Okay, I know he’s on his way out—but I couldn’t resist the middle names; more importantly, I want to create a first impression of Bush-bashing for people to remember if they decide some of my future positions are wildly conservative (if I get carried away again, whatever I say about Bush can probably be applied to McCain).

On a broader scale, I doubt any series that ended before 1995 had any significant Internet references. I say they should all come back and have a shot at them. This is an Equal Time law I could get behind. Or at least a motivation to find a way to televise those who’ve passed on. I’m sure Johnny Carson’s salivating at the prospect of trotting out a FireWire joke week after week. But who knows what untoward karma’s in store for evading any NO SOLICITORS sign on other planes?

On second thought, maybe weave together some “lost” episodes with outtakes and voice-overs. I’m not sure I want to know what today’s writers would say Maddy Hayes has been doing since we last saw her.

Absolutely true story: This morning I dreamt I was in Leave It To Beaver at a kids’ softball game, and Ward and other parents in the bleachers had cellphones. While I felt I knew the answer as I spoke, I asked him if it was common for people to have cellphones in the early ‘60s “before I came along.” Hmmmm.

But whatever happens with foreign surgery, I just hope that, if it goes ahead, the protectionists stay out of this one. I’d hate for surgeons to have to take on even more student loans and study time just to learn to have to cut someone such that the scar says MADE IN THAILAND.