"There is no snaking of illegal migration to have crowded or despoiled this country: not its schools or hospitals, not our traffic or neighborhoods. Their trucks are the safest and greenest, and Americans become millionaires by driving them. And no American was denied a job for speaking English only--ever!
"To say that foreigners want prosperity and freedom in their own countries is the basest propaganda of all time! They want to leave their nagging relatives behind, wailing as their shamed traditions commit suicide. But they never came here expecting to stay because of past amnesty and never will again. And John McCain has assured us, there is no criminal alien in the United States. And they will not get amnesty that would show our corporations and children that we reward people for breaking the rules. But it will be the last time if they do.
"The infidels who cower behind radio microphones to hide the fact that they can't grow even a 5 o'clock shadow, their sterile chins have no conservative virtue. Those failed ones choose to be heard but not visible, lest we see them fueling the flames of Hades as they speak with their sulphuric breath. I would leaven the bread of this speech by saying 'Get off the microphone, you big dupe!'
"John McCain personally offered Saddam's palaces to the cast of Friends if they'd pick lettuce, but for less money they instead debauched themselves weekly in the quagmoral that is Hollywood. This abuse of capitalism is why he demanded, no tax cuts for wealthy Americans who won't do real work.
"The border fence, that bloated earmark which cost exactly the amount that immigrants contributed to Social Security--that was insinuated for that purpose by Duncan Hunter, the most sinister earmarxist of all! Tom Tancredo says we should drill in the Arctic, knowing that migrants from warm countries will go there and freeze to their demise. I tell you, there is no oil within 100 miles of Anwar. As for the fence, we will topple that flimsy sheet of Chinese lead paint by hitting it with shoes.
"All other Republicans have been clamoring to destroy such a folly. Ron Al-Dreagan merrily whined, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!' Mitt Romney wanted a public timetable for removing border guards; he tried to deny it, but thanks to McCain-Feingold, he was forced to bow to the truth in silence and shrouded by a burqa. I triple guarantee you, John McCain is the unifying force of conservatives. Truly. I am not afraid of any independent campaign and neither should you be."
Note to establishment Republicans and the politically correct: this is a satire.
. © 2008 by Chris Dungan (chrisdungan.com) (excluding original photos)